Hamming It Up: My Time In Germany's Most Livable City

I had no idea what I was doing. I had poorly planned my arrival in Hamburg and found myself sitting in an inner city McDonalds at 7pm with nowhere to sleep and a battery at 15%. Shiiiiiiiiit.

After writing several hosts on Warm Showers but receiving no response, I bought a hamburger to waste time and wait for a miracle. An hour went by... 10% and nothing. I bought a 20pack of chicken nuggets to buy some more time, and still, nothing. Another hour and 5% more battery passed and still no responses. I was buying a McFlurry as a final act of hedonistic surrender to my situation when Ellen responded to my email and volunteered to host me for the night. She offered to cook me dinner so, of course, I said yes.

If You Want To Survive, The Very First Thing you should do upon arriving in Hamburg is find a Hamburger to pal around with. For me, it was Ellen, a very beautiful and intellegent occupational therapist. She struggled with finding bad boys attractive and having native German speakers confuse her name with Allan. She was my guardian angel and I hope you are all as lucky as I was.

SEEING THE SIGHTS

Beatles Place

It's no secret that The Beatles began their professional career in Hamburg. They played at clubs all over town and gained an immense popularity which many cite as the headwaters of the craze known as Beatlemania. The municipality of Hamburg certainy hasn't forgotten, and they use the cash cow of a street titled "Beatlesplatz" to lure tourists into a certain area of the city... the "selling of actual sex for money" area of the city. Prostitution and hookery (probably not using this word correcly) are both perfectly legal in Germany, and it is one of Hamburg's largest markets. Which brings me to the next sight...

The Street Women are Never Allowed On

The Herberstrass is a street that women are simply not allowed to walk down... unless it's their job. The whole area of Reeperbahn is unofficially designated as the drug dealing, sex making, party having part of Hamburg. There is a large Hell's Angels presence which can be recognized by the bold red and black coloring on many buildings. It's interesting that the board of tourism would be so inclined to lure people to this area while the city itself is waging a war on organized crime... but maybe more on that in a different article. The Haberstrass is for prostitutes working with an organization, and Johns. That's it. Lone hookers and women interested in buying sex must go elsewhere.

Schlager Move

One part parade, one part excuse to un-ironically listen to Micky Krause, and one part full blown bacchanal; the Schlager Move is a frat boy/deperate housewife's dream. Labled as a music festival, It only hapens one day a year (2018 was July 14th), and it's "many local German people's excuse to take a break from their stereotypically straight edged lives and let it all hang out," Ellen's quote, not mine. People adorn 70s era inspired costumes and makeup, many men dress in drag, and everywhere you go the sounds of schlage music and breaking bottles tickle your ears while the smell of booze and vomit mix in a sadistically alluring way.

Sunday Morning Fish Market

If youre ambitious enough, the fischmarkt on Sunday mornings is the best place for deals on veggies, seafood, live music, and people watching. It happens every Sunday at the harbor, very near the Reeperbahn. It starts at 5:30am with the fish auction. Men screaming and throwing large crates and slippery fish are a common sight. After an hour or so, the fish frenzy slows down and the other tents steal the show. Rows of colorful fruit, fresh from the boats, line the streets alongside fabrics and crafts from local vendors. I could easily have spent the whole day haggling, sipping coffee, and listening to pan flute music, but unfortunately, the festivities end at 9:30am.

EATING THE FOOD

Before arriving in Hamburg I beleived the most exciting food thing I would do in the city was a Hamburger Tour Du Hamburg. After hooking up with Ellen, I forgot all about the Hamburger tour and follwed her down a very carb rich rabbit hole and into the homemade German cuisine scene.

Franzbrotchen & Eiskaffee

This is the German take on a typical North American breakfast of coffee and a cinnamon roll. When you order an iced coffee in Germany you may or may not be pleasantly surprised by what you get! "Eis" in the german language has two meanings. One is "ice" like an icecube, and the other is icecream. Guess which one they make their Eiskaffee with?! They take hot espresso and pour it over cold vanilla ice cream for an incredible delight of the senses. In Italy, it's commonly known as affogato, and it is becoming more popular in the US as well. As for the cinnamon roll, the first difference is the type of bread used. The Germans use a kind of hearty filo dough, folded and rolled over and over again. After that, it is very similar, except I would say they use less cinnamon and sugar, though sometimes they add chocolate.

Breakfast Smorgasbord

I absolutely love this. A typical german breakfast involves buying fresh bread and then putting whatever is leftover from the fridge on top. This can be anything from cooked meat and veggies, to butter and honey, to avocado and soft boiled egg. It is accompanied by whatever you goddamn please. The goal is to simply enjoy the food and not waste anything.

Spaetzle mit Schweinefilet und Jägersoße

Schweinefilet is pork cutlet, Jägersoße is a creamy mushroom sauce, and spaetzle is a pasta dish made of egg noodles, cheese, cream, and onions. Together, they form a traditional German meal just like grandma used to make! This dish is seen as a comfort food and I can see why. It combines the buttery texture of mac and cheese with the flavor of sauteed onion and mushroom gravy; two of the United States' most recognizable causes of heart disease. It is calorically dense and easy to eat 3 or 4 helpings of.

*****

The sights and food of Hamburg are alluring, but the real draw is Ellen. She is strong and independent and generous and exactly the type of person who can go from perfect stranger to close friend in just a matter of days. She is truly wonderful. So, if you're reading this and you happen to be a 29-39 year old German soldier with a beard, tatoos, interest in a commited relationship, and a thing for redheads, please email me. I owe her big time.